Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
