we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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