There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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