i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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