i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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