If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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