u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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