I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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