You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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