happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
