Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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