im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
