I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
