i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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