dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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