i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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