I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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