Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
