it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
