ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
