Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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