He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I intend to get homeless drunk
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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