ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
