phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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