I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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