We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
