you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
