If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
