I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
