there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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