8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
