I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
