Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
