God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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