Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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