I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
