my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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