theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
