This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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