I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
