I met the friendliest cop last night
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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