so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
