Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just threw up on my dentist
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
