I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dude i'm inner monologue high
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
