The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
