Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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