Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
