I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
