finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
