I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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